Introduction
Since we are all wearing Masks now, for our safety, we thought it relevant to cover this topic. Given the current scenario, though, this article does not refer to Physical Masks that prevent Coronavirus but is about Communication Mask.
This blog is about how people use words to manipulate us. These words are carefully designed to elicit a set of specific emotions from us so that we are influenced to fulfil their hidden agenda. There are 8 such hidden agendas as per Drs McKay and Davis and Mr Fanning and many more “games” as per Dr Eric Berne. We are going to discuss the “Personality Facades” and the warped communication they use, a carefully constructed inauthentic Persona that people use to protect themselves from Psychological Harm. (And are sometimes oblivious to the psychological harm they cause to others by their masked communication). In Close Relationships, be it the intimate kind or with kin, we yearn for Authenticity.
There is something comforting and reassuring about an Authentic Person. Whereas a relationship with a person using masked agendas/hidden agendas/dysfunctional strategies is abrasive. These relationships usually end up with one of the parties being emotionally manipulated and that is definitely not the party with the mask on.
What are these Masks?
In this Blog, We will cover (or rather uncover) 8 types of Masks that Manipulative People wear. (Whether they do it knowingly or unknowingly is outside the scope of this blog). They don’t use communication the way normal people do. They say something and mean something else because they are using words to promote ulterior motives. Since Knowledge is Power, mere awareness about the Strategies/Hidden Agendas/Masks will go a long way towards improving the quality of your communication with people wearing Masks.
With the information provided in this post, you can either call such people out on their game or decide the next course of action for you to keep yourself Emotionally Safe.
It could be your spouse, or sibling, the parent or even a close friend who is into “Masking”. If You are in a relationship wherein you are constantly uncomfortable, confused and you end up feeling used, read on to know if you can find your answers in the content that follows next.
And, after all, what is a lie? ‘Tis but the truth in a masquerade.
My client to me about her Husband: “Every night he’s glued to the TV while I’m still doing the post-meal cleanup. I could break my back and am confident he would just sit there, instead of coming to my aid. He says he works all day. He has no idea what work is. I’ve got the grocery shopping, the constant care and monitoring of kids, three meals, the cleaning up. When I complain, he says, ‘Take time to relax.’ But when I do a job, I have to do it right, no matter how tired I am. I guess I’m too good.”
She was shocked when I informed her that the root of her unhappiness lied not in her Husband’s strong TV watching skills, but in her dysfunctional Image Management Skills.
You invite a couple to dinner. The man sits upright at the table like he’s at a podium. He begins by “offering” his views on politics. The subject changes to the economy, and he debates for a flat income tax slab. The subject is sports, and he proves that Test Cricket is dying. The subject is child-rearing, and he describes the child’s developmental stages. The subject is ecology, and he states on climate change. He knows it all and is an expert on every issue plaguing mankind. Your dinner turns into one long instructional monologue.
You must have encountered people like these. Their stories and remarks all have the same theme, the same hidden agenda – to prove that they are good, clever, faultless, successful, and so on.
Masked Intentions are common defensive maneuvers if you chronically don’t feel very good about yourself. They shield you from the rejection of your original personality (perceived as undesirable) by creating a fake but desired impression. Again and again, they help you make a case to prove your essential value as a person.
Masked Intentions are common defensive manoeuvres if you chronically don’t feel very good about yourself. They shield you from the rejection of your original personality (perceived as undesirable) by creating a fake but desired impression. Again and again, they help you make a case to prove your essential value as a person.
There are eight major hidden agendas. As you read about them in the descriptions that follow, notice which ones may apply to you.1. I’m Virtuous
“I’m _____( Insert Virtue of Choice)” you say. and who are you? You are the unrecognized hero whose goodness has gone unnoticed in all of all your stories. Sometimes you often even have a faithful partner-in-crime who tells your heroic good stories for you. This partner has understood your strategy implicitly and shares your need to discuss your goodness whenever the opportunity arises. Usually, this partner can also be a Doting Mom or a Besotted Wife or a Yes Man who uses this strategy as a way to uplift you and bask in your reflected glory.
Each anecdote highlights the characteristics you value most. Your stories center around your virtue; you are thirsting to impress people with. Your anecdotes are an indirect way of highlighting how good you are.
If you want people to know about your wealth or power; or strength or generosity your humble bragging stories tell them. A frequently seen “I’m good” strategy is the caring and sensitive person. This role is played as if you were on the stage—you create an undeniably fine character, but of course, it is not your authentic self. You are always performing and therefore you always have to prove you’re caring constantly by a gesture, a recollection, a sensitive remark. You are unnaturally sweet all the time. This agenda is recognized even in the Vedas, succinctly put as, “Ati Vinayam, Dhoorta Lakshanam“. Gradually people perceive you as a caricature and that’s when the mockery starts.
Here are some textbook variations in Virtue of “I’m Virtuous” messages and some of their examples:
“I’m honest” –anecdotes of how honest one is
“I’m successful” –recounting success stories
“I’m hardworking” –anecdotes of toiling day and night or often burning the midnight oil
“I’m powerful” –anecdotes of getting exclusive things done, or getting things done out of the way
“I’m courageous”– leading to survival stories or standing up to someone or something that generally people wouldn’t think of
“I’m strong” –stories suggestive of one’s Emotional and Physical Strength
“I’m loyal” – stories of how you aced the acid test of loyalty or that prove how loyal you are
And so on and so forth with the following themes :
“I’m wealthy”
“I’m generous”
“I’m self-sacrificing”
“I’m ambitious”
“I’m adventurous.”
There are two big drawbacks to the “I’m Virtuous” strategy.
It’s hard to get close to people because they only know you through your agenda stories. Nobody wants to be around a paragon of virtue.
Having such a single topic of communication makes you come across as boring and people get tired of seeing the same mask, hearing the same theme over and over. People can sense pseudo humility and though they listen for a while, they often tune out or go away.
Why This Mask?
Not everyone can be authentic all the time, but the “I’m good” Mask is more fake than that. It’s a life’s work. It’s a way of distorting yourself so that only very selected, approved parts get seen. It means you don’t (maybe even choose not to) trust anyone with the parts of yourself that you think are less than wonderful.
2. “I’m Virtuous – and You’re Not”
In this agenda, you prove that you’re “all right” by showing how bad everyone else is – Discussion centers around how thoughtless, incapable, greedy, difficult, unyielding, lazy, afraid, or insensitive everyone is but you – our “Virtuous” Hero. “Look how everyone has moral flaws, but me”. Every story is a variation on this theme. You’re always the one who does things right, who reasons clearly, who really cares, who pays attention to details, who is moral.
One executive often complained, “I’m always willing to stop and answer a call even if it’s not my client. I’ll help another colleague finish a project, but do you think I can get anyone to help me? They don’t.”
There are several varieties of “I’m virtuous but you’re not.” One is the implied criticism. You point out how hard you’ve worked or how much you’ve compromised—with the insinuation that the other is lazy or unreasonable.
Why This Mask?
“I’m good/virtuous (but you’re not)” can lift your self-esteem, but it’s costly. It can cost you your close inner circle. Your family and friends feel insignificant and put down by you, and they soon begin defensive manoeuvres of their own.
3. “You’re Virtuous – and I’m Not”
The simplest form of this strategy is flattery of others and rejection of self. More complex dysfunctional forms involve a kind of adulation of intelligent, good-looking, or strong people. In complete contradiction to “I’m Virtuous – and you are not” strategy, this form involves scorning yourself by comparison: “You do that so well; I’m so clumsy at it.” “I wish I had your courage; I’m too frightened to even consider that.” “I’ve never had an aptitude for business; you are so clever at it.” This one-down position is sometimes used to extract favors.
Why This Mask?
Sometimes it’s an insurance strategy to deflect future anger and rejection. After all, considerate people really cannot get angry at someone who’s already down on themselves. The agenda is also used effectively to block undesired demands and expectations. Nobody’s going to expect much of an ineffectual.
“You’re virtuous – and I’m not” can also be the agenda of a depressed person. The fundamental statement is “Something is wrong, bad, damaged, stupid, boring, or unlovable about me. Please show some compassion for me.” The alcoholic, the chronic gambler, and the cheating spouse may also emphasize an “I’m no good” position as a way to avoid rejection and requests of change.
4. “I’m tortured/ I suffer/I’m helpless/I’m stressed”
This is a victim’s agenda. Doubtlessly, Victims exist. There is a difference though in being a victim and having a self-victimizing Mindset. We can be a victim but not victimize ourselves. That’s a real Survivor/Hero-Resilience quality. On the other hand, we might not be true Victims in reality and only just perceiving ourselves to be one.
Therefore, here we are discussing people who are stuck in victimhood. The stories focus on adversities, discrimination, abuse/exploitation, manipulation. The stories are about the victim – who’s stuck, who tries but can’t escape, who undergoes lasting pain without any hope of freedom. The person implicitly suggests, “Please don’t hold me responsible for my pain.”
The communication game goes like this. Seeing the “victim” in pain, One helpfully makes a series of recommendations to the “victim”, however the “helpless victim” shoots them down, one after another. The “helpless victim” is justified in the end by proving nothing will work, that the suffering is beyond his or her ability to control.
One man who’d gotten a little break from his Cigarette Addiction complained of a relapse after he got stuck in traffic: “This always happens. The moment I start feeling marginally better, something comes up to set me back. Somebody doesn’t deliver within the deadline or sales drop. It never fails.”
Why This Mask?
This agenda of helplessness is often used to dodge daunting new solutions or to delay the need for a major life decision. “I’m fat,” “I’m ill,” or “I’m too nervous”, are pretexts to shelve change forever.
5. “I’m Delicate/Fragile”
One uses the “I’m delicate” strategy to softly imply “Be careful with me, Don’t hurt me.” This message is conveyed by telling horror stories about how you have been manipulated or deceived or faced some kind of trauma in the past. This has scarred you for life. Your gentleness is a mask you wear to avoid facing the often severe realities of life. You are an Emotional Peter Pan, attempting to gain security and comfort in naivete, controlling others under the guise of delicateness. Soon people get tired of helping you cope with reality and leave you to your own devices.
Why This Mask?
To make it clear that you need protection, that you cannot hear the harsh whole truth. You speak in a gentle voice, and your fragility often becomes quite magnetic: “Please don’t shout. I get headaches.” “My parents always fought with each other before they divorced. Let’s not fight.”
6. “I’m Delicate/Fragile”
This is a strategy chosen when things go wrong. We have known people offering endless excuses for their failures. We have observed them search for something or someone to blame. The key argument is “I can not be blamed for what happened.” Painful marriages often give rise to this agenda.
Why This Mask?
Each spouse looks for evidence that the fault lies somewhere else: “She didn’t do enough.” “He never was home.” “The children took all our time.” “It was different after she took up her job.” They twist what they find as proof to suit their already made up mind – Confirmation Bias allows them to do so without a twinge of conscience.
One of the games played from the “I’m blameless” position is as follows. You ask for opinion or guidance, follow the instructions, and then blame your advisor for everything that goes awry. It’s akin to taking out psychological insurance that you’ll never have to be responsible for anything.
7. “I’m Tough/I’m Strong”
You fight your way through life, both psychologically and physically. You are a superwoman who works 6 days a week, raises four kids, bakes bread, does all the cleaning and cooking, and heads the Social Welfare Club on Sundays. You are the workaholic man who has a high-paying, stressful job and spends twelve-hour days on the weekend repairing your car all by yourself.
One of my clients with a Tobacco Addiction had a recurrent variation of this theme – what I call as ”Bullets bounce off me ” variation. He would say“ Tobacco cannot destroy me. I have a strong constitution ( i.e. I am strong), nothing will happen to me”. Eventually, it took the presence of pre-cancerous cells in his oral cavity to wean off the addiction.
With this strategy, a typical discussion involves a spirited inventory of things you have done or are in the process of doing. You recite your schedule and that’s enough to overwhelm the other person with news of where you’ve been, details of your current labors, and a list of all the places you have to rush off to as soon as the conversation is finished.
You are always busy at something important. Your underlying suggestion is that as compared with others, you are stronger and work harder, longer, and faster than anyone else. You do this to seek appreciation. One also uses this strategy to seek assurance that they cannot be criticized. People can’t ask them for much because they are so busy.
You control many things, are in charge, and, most significantly, above blame because you just have too much to do. With this agenda, you can never slow down; you burn out and collapse.
Why This Mask?
The sole purpose of this dysfunctional strategy is to ward off hurt and protect fragile self-esteem. This mask keeps hidden the vulnerability of those who use it. Behind the wall of defenses is a person who’s afraid of rejection and unsure of his or her worth.
8. “I Know All/Learn from me”
This is the agenda of the endlessly lecturing dinner guest described at the beginning of the blog. The purpose of the communication is not to inform or entertain but to showcase indisputably how much you know. “I know all/learn from me” can take the form of preaching or educating.
You are the timeless guru, comfortable only on an imaginary podium. You only develop superficial reasons with people. This agenda works best with people younger than you or with those who are easy to impress. However Friends and contemporaries are quick to understand that they will not be heard or appreciated, except as an audience.
Why This Mask?
The real function of “I know all” is to protect you from a repeat of early experiences of shame at not knowing and feeling inadequate.
General Purpose of the Masks
Why would you wear a Mask? An instinctive answer is to Shield yourself. Another stems from the root word – Masque – to pretend.
The Masks serve two functions.
The first is to build up and preserve an existential “Personality Facade”, a carefully constructed inauthentic Persona that people use to protect themselves from Psychological Harm. This becomes your basic attitude to show to the world. The agenda becomes your individual strategy for coping with core feelings of incapability. Your strategy to deal with those feelings is by emphasizing your value in the “I’m virtuous” agenda or by borrowing some worth by demeaning others with “I’m virtuous and you’re not.” You protect your weakness with “I’m strong,” “I’m delicate,” or “I know all.”
The second function of your agendas is more insidious. It involves the usage of ulterior motives and needs to elicit desired emotions from people. If you need a friend but don’t know how to get one, you might flatter someone with “You’re good (but I’m not).”
You can seek comfort and assistance from the “I’m helpless, I suffer” position. You can excuse your failures with “I’m blameless.” Think about my client’s accusation “I’m trying to save our marriage, and you’re not.” It demonstrates my client’s strategic position of blamelessness and simultaneously guilt-trips to force change. These strategic positions don’t change unless the one using this agenda desires change.
There is no doubt that the agendas are adaptive and serve a purpose, but ultimately they are dysfunctional – They stem from low self-esteem. Therefore your manoeuvres isolate you. In the end, they keep you from the relief that Authenticity brings- That of being known and accepted for who you are.
How can I drop these Masks?
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
George Bernard Shaw
So if you, my reader, have identified some hidden agendas in your communication pattern and would like to drop them, Kudos to you! You have successfully identified the suffering that comes or may come on account of using these masks. You have decided to change a painful future by choosing to change your attitude. The exercise will help you discover which agendas you use most often and with whom.
Start by Keeping a list of the eight masking agendas on you. For a single day – to begin with, keep track of your communication – your discussions, nostalgic recollections, and comments. Count the number of times you use ulterior agendas. Mark the people you use them on.
Now assess how big influence these masking agendas were on your interactions and whether they were situational or are now a part of your character. For eg. Sometimes we fake it to make it or be it. Were you faking, ”I’m strong” agenda to get through a painful medical procedure? Or “ I know better” to discipline a wayward child requiring a sense of direction? Then there is situational use of agendas with a motive to do better in life. However, if you are using these agendas persistently as a normal mode of communication, you need to start tracking them to de-install them from your mind.
For persistent usage of agendas, now, write down the names of everyone you talk to, and next to each name, write a percentage— how much of what you said was induced by these agendas. One client who did this exercise noted that 70 percent of her communication with her boss was a mixture of “I’m good” and “I’m blameless” agendas. Conversations with co-workers were about 20 percent “I’m good” and “I’m strong”. At home, there were no agendas with her children, but 10 percent of her contact with her husband was “I’m good and you’re not.”
If you have done the counting exercise, you have now also begun noticing your agendas. It’s time to uninstall them. One of the methods that I have found immensely useful for the same is to mentally rehearse a new position for whichever damaging agenda you use the most.
For e.g. Whenever you identify yourself using “I’m good”, switch your thought to a new position of “I’m a mixture of strengths and weaknesses and THAT is good.”
This is a more realistic and empowering position to take. Remember you are most secure when you have nothing to hide.
The change is as easy as you make it. Reward yourself every single time you are able to switch the thought. The Mind then looks forward to doing more of what it’s rewarded for. This is the basic secret of establishing AUTOMATIC HABITS. And the payoff is a more fulfilling life.
Read on to know the suggested switched positions for other agendas below and start changing your life today.
| Instead Of | Use This |
|---|---|
| “I’m good and you’re not” | “I don’t have to demean you to make me good. I have my personal strengths and so do you.” |
| “You’re good and I’m not” | “I can be valued for my strengths and abilities. I don’t need to make excuses for myself. I can also develop myself further if I feel my current skills are not enough.” |
| “I’m helpless/I suffer/I am a victim” | “My life is a balance of pleasure and pain, hope and sadness. That does not make me helpless. |
| “I’m blameless/It’s not my fault/Look what you made me do” | “Nobody’s perfect. Blaming is unproductive. My Decisions can go wrong sometimes and it’s not the end of the world.” |
| “I’m fragile” | “It scares me when someone is angry, but I will learn how to deal with it.” |
| “I know all/I know everything there is to know/I have an opinion on it” | “It’s ok to listen, to be interested and ask questions. There are many interesting things to learn and discover.” |
| “I am strong/I am tough/Bullets bounce off me” | “I can take care of myself. I can relax and be me and people will still like me. I don’t have to intimidate people to feel safe.” |
Your New Position
These new positions are in the form of easy to use, simple self- instructions. Use them like affirmations to be repeated over and over to yourself in situations that unfailingly trigger you to use your agendas. My suggestion is to always have a copy on you for you to look at throughout the day to keep yourself inspired and committed to change.
Conclusion
Note of Caution
People play many games (for many reasons) and more of these exist. Please keep in mind that, while reading this blog, you might remember several people around you who have used these strategies on you. You might have developed feelings of resentment for them. However, do remember that not everyone uses these agendas as a tool to manipulate people. Some people also use these agendas as Defence Mechanisms. The fact that you feel highly uncomfortable when subjected to such behavior can be purely coincidental to their mind. They might not even be aware of the consequences of using these agendas. A discussion with them, if possible, will help bring clarity to them.
So there you have it. If while reading this blog, you have discovered your usage of these agendas, you are quite self-aware and that’s a very good thing. How do you choose to use your self-awareness now? By choosing to continue using these agendas, know that you are causing psychological harm on whomsoever you use them. By choosing to discontinue the usage of these agendas, you are not only healing yourself you are stopping the spread of suffering to others at the most. And stop yourself from becoming a mockery at the very least.
The fact is that Masks exist. Frequent interaction with people who narcissistically use these marks can be very damaging for our own self-esteem. Such people cause and add unnecessary chaos and confusion in our lives. This can rob us of our happiness, damage our ambitions, and destroy our peace of mind. The responsibility to identify and protect yourself from such damaging strategies lies in you. I sincerely hope that this blog helps you with that.
Note: The purpose of this column is to enable the reader to build a healthy Coping Strategy one good habit at a time. Please allow yourself upto 6 months of constant practice and allow the habit to build up to see the change. If you find yourself struggling to conquer your Damaging Masks, please contact us on khyati@khyatibirla.com to see how you can go on to lead a better life.