What Perfectionism is actually all about.
Read on if you are a highly motivated and gifted individual finding yourself burdened, unhappy and emotionally drained.
Perfectionism
Historically we have been a culture that has always emphasised Perfectionism. Perfectionism shows up in people who want to be exceptionally excellent, who are deeply invested in their families and work hard in their careers.
But is Perfectionism a useful trait?
Perfectionism can be very confusing to understand as it affects different people in different ways. But what’s common is that perfectionism can get in the way of living our lives to the fullest. It is a mission to be perfect, without flaws. It means we set impracticably high standards for ourselves and for others, and we believe that our goals should be effortlessly achieved, and we should never make mistakes, should not have flaws, or that we should be accepted/loved/liked/agreeable always. We do not accept anything less than perfect and feel anxious when people (ourselves and others) don’t live up to our expectations. But because our standards are impossible to achieve consistently in a real life, even with hard work, perfectionism (which seemed like a like a good idea initially) fails us midway. For we can burn out in keeping up with our Perfectionism. It ultimately makes us feel like we are constant failures despite our achievements.
The Dis-functionality of Perfectionism
The Belief That Self-Worth is determined only by Accomplishment is a falsehood perpetuated by us to constantly up our game of living life and improve.But upto what extent? As you read this blog further, you will find that Perfectionism though seen as a virtue fails to actually be virtuous in Reality.
“Behind our need for perfection, there is probably a sense of inadequacy and insecurity.”
Perfectionists are hyper focused on the need to perfect the self and to correct or hide aspects of themselves that they see as imperfect.They are forever engaged in attempts to overcompensate for their perceived imperfections.They habitually question their successes and accomplishments and instead of enjoying their achievements, they are busy scanning themselves for perceived flaws or weaknesses in an effort to be or do better next time. They aim to prove that they are secure, adequate, and in control by engaging in Perfectionism.A perfectionist bases his/her self-worth on his/her performance and achievements.
He isn’t that resilient, i.e. he cannot easily bounce back from setbacks. He often ruminates over his mistakes, damages his self-esteem, and ends up feeling worthless or incompetent. The only way he feels valued or worthy is by achieving, winning, and being flawless. Thus when he messes up or fails to achieve a goal, he magnifies these mistakes in his mind as enormous. People around him will know him as one who over-reacts.
Similarly, others might brush aside being late to an appointment as no big deal, but a perfectionist sees this as a personal failing resulting in damage to his self-esteem. It will cause him immense distress if he comes in second. For some people, a silver medal would be a source of pride, but for him, it’s a reminder that he still isn’t the best or living up to his potential.
A Perfectionist tends to be a driven, high achiever. Here’s the thing though.People are usually excellent at setting goals, and often achieve them. This is how we measure our worth as people.
However a Perfectionist will think, “I must work harder at being more and more perfect and only when people can’t criticise me or until I am flawless, will I belong and matter.”This puts severe pressure on him. For if he stops acting and/or perfecting, he feels worthless.To Live is to be continuously engaged in perfecting one’s own self.There is no “settling” for perfectionists.
A Perfectionist lets others determine his self-worth by believing that self-worth must be earned.He believes he is only successful if others approve of him and his accomplishments.
The 3 Traits of Perfectionism
Perfectionism can manifest quite obviously or it can be quite subtle. Sometimes it can be a challenge to detect and diagnose, because it doesn’t create an impact on all areas of your life. This is quite significant. You might be suffering from “Perfection- itis” in some areas of your life whereas in other areas of your life you might be still be reaping the benefits of it.
Read on to understand how perfectionism colours how you view yourself and others.
According to P. L. Hewitt and G. L. Flett (1991) –
Perfectionism that is Self-Oriented.
It is a self-imposed expectation of Perfection. Here one believes that she should be utterly flawless and therefore she notices every flaw of herself and beats herself up for having them. A perfectionist creates unrealistically high standards for herself, impossibly high standards that are not attainable. She is goal oriented and driven to a fault. She is highly self-critical.
Perfectionism that is Other-oriented.
A very common trait. A perfectionist having this trait holds unrealistic expectations for others. He demands continuous perfection from others, and when they inevitably fail to deliver on that, he is critical and easily find faults/ assigns blame.
Perfectionists of this kind are highly critical of others and habitually feel disappointed and angry about others not living up to their expectations.
Socially prescribed perfectionism.
It’s difficult for perfectionists to belong to a society. Society has a lot of rules that must be met. Here one believes that others have abnormally high expectations from them that are impossible to meet. This trait is very subtle and one struggling with this trait might find himself working very hard to be accepted by society but again be frequently disappointed at rejections. This often leads to people pleasing behaviour.
I have noticed amongst my clients that perfectionism includes a blend of impossibly high standards and severely high levels of criticism. This toxic blend can be directed toward yourself or toward others or both. People often display a combination of the three perfectionist personality traits and it shows up as mentioned below.
Read on to know more about how the toxic blend of Perfectionism shows up in your life areas.
How Perfectionism shows up in any one or all of these areas
The “perfect” lifestyle.
A need for life, family, and self to appear picture perfect and glossy on the outside so everyone can see how wonderful it is. Desiring a house that could be in a magazine, perfect children who are flawless not only in looks, but also have exemplary behaviour and impeccable academic performance, Striving for a model like figure, wearing the latest designer clothes and for your relationship to be larger than life is all a part of THE PERFECT LIFESTYLE.
Physical environment.
Do you consider yourself to be a Neat Freak? It might be Perfectionism rearing up it’s ugly head. A perfectionist here expects his home and/or office to be neat, clean with nothing out of place. He might feel anxious and overwhelmed when things are not in their proper place or messy. His need for order and cleanliness can be so gripping that he has to clean and straighten his room or home so that everything is just right, before he can relax or do anything else.
Work.
One works ceaselessly towards professional achievements like earning promotions, and having financial success. Expects rewards as a right.Parenting: One expects that self and partner will always be perfect parents.A perfectionist here demands perfection from her children. She wants to show others how parenting is always fun and easy and how her children are successful in all they do.
Body, weight, or physical appearance.
A perfectionist here is highly critical of and preoccupied with what she looks like.She often perceives others to be judging her appearance, and she never feels thin enough, tall enough, toned enough, or attractive enough. It doesn’t help that Society encourages this by Body Shaming. So she works out more than is necessary in a day, follows unnatural diets and is driven to achieve the Perfect Body Ratio that exists in her mind and convert that to Reality.
Academic performance.
Perfectionism impacts students also. Here the students expect to always have a better academic performance than their fellow students, to top their schools, states etc and be House Prefects/Head Boy or Girl. Do you notice perfectionism in yourself or people you know in any of the above areas?
Read on to know how Stressful and Harmful it can be to persist with this Toxic Perfectionism.
The Stress of Perfectionism
Fear and Anxiety are at the root of all these efforts to prove ourselves worthy. There’s a deep yearning to be liked, accepted, and valued. This is also because of Low Self Esteem. Perfectionists are afraid to let down or give cause for complaint to anyone. This manifests as people-pleasing behaviours and playing it safe. They want to show everyone how capable they are. Therefore they don’t want to disclose their struggles, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, for fear of being perceived as lacking somehow.
As perfectionists, they fear failure because they see failure as disastrous and permanent. Successful and Happy people see Failure as an event to learn from. However the perfectionists will do anything to avoid failure because for them Failure becomes their identity. Failure is evidence that we’re inadequate, and we have understood that perfectionists can not accept being inadequate or even regular.
No, they have to be Paragons always. In fact,I will go on to say that upon closer examination Perfection seems to come across as an act taken in a bid to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
So then how do these Perfectionists avoid failure?
They try to avoid failure, criticism, and embarrassment by limiting themselves to doing only those things they’re already good at. They keep away from risk and the unfamiliar in favour of what’s familiar and feels safe.
Perfectionism is truly a stressful experience. It’s a highly emotionally poisonous blend of unrealistically high standards, the erroneous belief that achievement is the true measure of our self-worth, and fear.
Now that we’ve “uncovered” the most basic aspects of perfectionism and how it manifests in our actions and thinking, let’s explore how we can change it.
So What would be a good substitute for Perfectionism ?
We never knew we could go wrong with Perfectionism. Don’t we all desire Perfect Bodies, Perfect Lifestyles, Perfect Spouses, Perfect Children and Frequent Promotions at work?
However As suggested in the title, the trap of Perfectionism is a Perfect trap. It seems quite reasonable and valid to emulate Perfectionism. But it is equally insidious. In another blog, I have mentioned how when we feel negative within ourselves, our thoughts get distorted and twisted. That’s the case with Perfectionism too.
So does that mean we become lackadaisical with our lives and not aim to excel at something?
Not at all. My aim has always been to help people reduce misery in their lives. If you are reading this blog right now, I truly hope I have made a strong case against Perfectionism. Perfectionism leads to a High Level of Stress and leads to Burn-out. So instead of Perfectionism, what SHOULD we emulate?
Try the following instead of Perfectionism.
High Standards.
Having High standards is a good thing if you enjoy Achievement. In fact you require a Higher quality of Skill set than others if you want to be successful. High Standards create passion and fuels your desire to work towards excellence, solve quality problems, engage in quality work, create, and innovate.
However high standards aren’t the same as perfectionism. Perfectionists have unrealistically high standards. We want to uphold high standards not be occupied with fulfilling UNREALISTICALLY High Standards.
Perfectionists endeavour to be flawless ; make no mistakes and are intensely hard on themselves when they do err. Perfection doesn’t let you turn off your mind. High standards on the other hand allow you to identify self limits, gaps within self and set goals accordingly. High Standards take your mind towards Learning and Growing as a Human Being whereas the Perfectionist with Unrealistically High Standards stays put in the comfort zone unwilling to try something new and fail.
Excellence.
Perfection often gets mixed up with Excellence. The pursuit of excellence is a healthy effort to be outstanding or above average. It is a striving to be better today than one was yesterday. It encourages self analysis for personal growth and improvement.
However perfectionists don’t expect only excellence; they have such impossibly high standards that anything short of perfect is unbearable. Far from seeking excellence, perfectionism is a limited, rigid belief that we should never make any mistakes or have any defects. This is what makes Perfectionism Dysfunctional. Whereas the pursuit of excellence, by virtue of allowing an honest self analysis allows for imperfections and mistakes making it more realistic.
A vital difference between pursuing excellence and perfection is how one views flaws overall. Perfectionists tend to over-analyse flaws and lack of ability (their own or those of others ) to meet standards. They are quite critical of themselves and any mistake from their side gets labelled as their being complete failures or mediocre in quality. Perfectionists judge themselves and others quite brutally. This dis-functionality keeps perfectionists fixed on the negatives.
They are unable to consider the potentially positive aspects of mistakes and flaws which are necessary to be embraced and learnt from in reality; for that is where uniqueness, quirkiness and creativity of individuals lies. Whenever we expect constant perfection, we’ll unavoidably be disappointed. Despite our smartness or how hard we work, we will end up making mistakes. It is smarter and beneficial to strive for excellence instead.
A very important point to remember here is that we can allow ourselves to expect 100 percent from ourselves and others, but that 100 percent is not perfection; it’s the best that we and anyone else can do right now, at this moment, given these circumstances. Eventually, a year or 5 down the line, we will all be better and do better because we will continue to learn and develop new skills between today and then. That doesn’t mean we all are inferior today.
We are not perfect but we are the best version of ourselves today and that’s a very fair position to take in life; both for self and others. Excellence is striving high, but do offer yourself the goodwill for mistakes made and things you don’t know yet.
Conclusion
Sometimes we resist the idea of letting go of the ideal because we suppose it means accepting mediocrity, but in reality, the opposite is true. And perhaps most importantly, letting go of perfectionism means that we’re better able to authentically connect with life and ourselves.
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good”.
– John Steinback
Author's Note The purpose of this column is to enable the reader to build a healthy Coping Strategy one good habit at a time. Please allow yourself upto 6 months of constant practice and allow the habit to build up to see the change. If you find yourself struggling to conquer Perfectionism, please contact us on khyati@khyatibirla.com to see how you can go on to lead a better life. #habitsthatcausestress #stressmanagementtips Khyati Birla
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